Hello growing up

SOooooo this has been the worst year of my life to be completely honest. My horse died in May in a pasture accident and I've never been this depressed in my life- feels like someone tore my heart out of my chest and let a shark eat it and 10x worse. Everything's going wrong, I'm trying to start riding lessons again and my parents are being very hesitant about it, my social anxiety's coming back I think, and everything really does suck. I'm making changes, though. I'm going to get out of my shell more this year at school. I found a heap of my old wannabe clothes at the bottom of my closet, threw em out haha. Went out and bought myself a bunch of collared blouses and blazers and cardigans and tops and just nice clothes to show my personality change and how I'm growing older.
Got my license Friday, hello freedom School starts this Monday. I drive to school. I'm sort of really excited about that.
I just wish that my horse didn't die. This journal entry doesn't even convey how I feel. I'm losing my mind honestly. I don't want this empty pasture and I just want to curl up and cry. I do all the time. And my dog just farted on me. Fucking fantastic